Don't Forget The Love ......

Years ago, I was facilitating an inter-generational conversation at a Women’s Retreat. It is still one of my favorite experiences. There were representatives from the Builder, Boomer, Gen X, Millennials and Gen Z. The group was divided into generations and had to answer two questions within their group.

* What do you appreciate about each generation?

* What is one message you want the other generations to know and understand about you?

When we regathered, I asked the youngest group when they wanted to present. They opted to go last and honor the elders. As we listened to the conversations and wisdom, I appreciated the honesty of the exchange. The other groups shared their insight, wisdom and instructions.

Finally, it was time for the youngest group to share. They took the time to share what they appreciated about each generation. When it came time to answer the second question, I remember how the teenager took time to pause. She shared how they appreciated the wisdom and insight that the other generations offered. But what we all remember is what she shared next …..

“We appreciate how you speak the truth to us …. just don’t forget the “in love” part. It’s a package deal, we know we need to speak the truth but if it’s done without the “in love” part, it’s not complete. Don’t forget the love tho …..

That moment was …….

At that moment she reminded us of Ephesian 4:15 and about how we are called to speak truth in love. Speaking the truth is essential but if it’s not effective if not done in love. It also means that loving someone doesn’t mean we don’t speak the truth. As we reflected on her speaking the truth in love to us. It reminded me of a filter that my father taught us to use whenever we were going to have a speak the truth moment with someone.

1. Is it True? “Instead, speaking the truth in love…” This may sound obvious. But this is the first filter, is it true and verified?

2. Is it Necessary? “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary [a]edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” Ephesians 4:29

   Once we have determined that it is true …. is it necessary to share it? This step is the pivot. This part has been one of the teaching moments of chaplaincy. When you are with people in the deepest moments of obvious grief, many of the most meaningful moments was presence, words weren’t necessary or needed. Just because it is true, is it necessary to share? If so, does it pass Step 3?

3. Is it Edifying? - “Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11

   What is the ultimate purpose of the truth you are sharing. Is the end result that this a word that will ultimately build someone up. Will this truth be something that strengthen them? Even if it is unpleasant … like when the doctor tells you to cut back on a favorite food, so that your health can improve. I may not like it, but ultimately this will lead to me being healthier. What is the end result - is this going to edify (build up, improve)  the recipient? 

4. Is it rooted in love? -
   ”My children, let us not love with words or in talk only. Let us love by what we do and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

   This is the foundation upon which the word should be built. Is this coming from a place of love? This is why the young lady’s comment at the gathering touched that deep space. We spent time in deeper conversation and she shared the importance of relationships. When you know that you trust the person who speaks the truth to you, it matters. When they have seen love demonstrated by consistent actions, it is easier to receive a word that is true, necessary (Even if they don’t necessarily want to hear it) and edifying because it is rooted in love. That is the foundation. You can’t escape relationship and love in action.

   Praying that these words are true, necessary and edifying. They are definitely rooted and written in love.

   Blessings,

   Sheila